A Story to Tell

By James Rudy Gray

Carl Rogers stated that "everyone has a story to tell". He further suggested that by allowing that person to tell their story, a counselor opens the door to the opportunity for change. While Rogers was no friend to the Christian faith, his simple statement is accurate.

People who come to us for counseling or help do have a story—their personal story. However, I would suggest to you that it is not simply the telling of the story that is important but how they tell their story. The insight we can gain from how a person shares with us their problem or difficulty can help us significantly in determining what kind of attitude they have—particularly toward the issues they are facing.

A person may blame or placate. They may be aggressive or dramatic. They could be very rigid and precise or they could be very general and colorful. How they tell their story is an important clue into their personality. For example, what an introvert leaves out of their story may be as important as what they share. On the other hand, an extravert may share so much that the real issue is lost in the narrative. A very self-disciplined person may share things in a very organized, detailed way. A very impulsive person would likely bounce from idea to idea.

If we take the time to listen to not only what is shared but how it is shared, we put ourselves in a better position to help someone identify difficulties and work on adjustments or changes.

Personality testing can help a great deal, but even then it is still critical to hear how a person shares their troubles. Some people will need to be encouraged. Others will need to be confronted in a loving but firm and direct way. If all we search for are the facts and we fail to see how those facts are communicated, we can be deceived. Typically, what most counselees present is not the real problem but a symptom of the problem. When we can examine how they share, we can get to the root of the issue in a quicker and more effective manner.

Listening is a major part of counseling, but only if it is an active listening. In our listening as counselors or people helpers, we need to be able to discern what we are hearing. What is not spoken is important, but the way a person opens up to us is vital.

A woman sat in a counselor’s office. She was obviously nervous and uneasy. She spoke on and on about how her husband needed to change. She had a long list of grievances against him. The way she talked led the counselor to see that she used her husband and his behavior in order to avoid facing her own problems.

As it turned out, she was a controlling person who did it in a passive aggressive way. She wanted attention but was unable to get it from her husband in a positive and affirming way. So, she developed a way of communicating that got her some negative attention. It was not good for the relationship, but it was attention. She came across as the victim, when in reality he was the victim.

Because the counselor did not take her list of complaints at face value but listened and watched how she shared her complaints, it was clear something really significant was not being shared. Over time, the counselor was able to address her and her behavior in a way she understood.  After several sessions, she was learning to check her own behavior by examining how she was sharing something with people. It was a breakthrough for her and one that helped her to begin the adjustments that brought a more Godly and healthy attitude to her life.

What a person shares is not unimportant, but do not overlook how they share it. Very often there is a wealth of understanding in that clue.

James Rudy Gray is certified as a professional counselor by the National Board for Certified Counselors, and is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. He pastors Utica Baptist Church in Seneca, SC

Pulpit Helps Magazine, a ministry of AMG International, was a monthly publication which ran from 1975-2009. Founded by Dr. Spiros Zodhiates, Pulpit Helps was dedicated to the mission of equipping pastors, Bible teachers, and students of the Word for preaching, teaching, and living God's Truth. Each month, Pulpit Helps provided sermon starters, bulletin inserts, illustrations and quality articles on preaching, counseling, Christian living, and more. The ministry goals of Pulpit Helps continue today in the form of Disciple Magazine online.